so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
