I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
How does one acquire holy water?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
