i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
