I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
