whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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