Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
