Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
