he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My pussy is not your playground.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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