I look better un-naked...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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