hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
