I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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