My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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