Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
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If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
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How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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