I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
