the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
