I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
