So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
