Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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