Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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