chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
