I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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