it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
