the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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