I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
