just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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