she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Come see our sink grown plant.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize