At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
