We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
