All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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