why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
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Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
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University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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