i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
