Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
