Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
