You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize