Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
