Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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