I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
