Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
