the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
A bitchslap is in order.
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