For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
