I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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