How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
