drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
