Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
