Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
