I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
