did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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