Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
