My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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