im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.