I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste