Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in