I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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