"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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