I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
