The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
