I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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