Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
