I wanna passion pit in your ass
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
